Beamtastic!
posted by Tyler Duckworth on Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Many of you have seen this image up on my MYSPACE or FACEBOOK profile. Since uploading this, well, fantastic image, many people have commented, "WOW, LOOKS LIKE IT HURTS" or "Damn boy, how you sit like that!" While I appreciate every and all comments, I must inform all you wonderful fans that looks can be deceiving. I'm not actually "Sitting" on the beam. Oh no. I'm actually holding myself up. You just can't see it because of my big ass. In gymnastics, its called a planche. It is where you hold your entire body weight up on your hands. Look closely. Its very hard to lift 190lbs up on a four-inch beam. But, hey, that's why I'm so incredible at the end of the day, right?! (note cybersarcasm) 6 Comments | Leave a Comment
Just a little Pitchy
posted by Tyler Duckworth on Wednesday, December 13, 2006 So, last night was a very special night. Well, actually, that is a bold-faced lie. Two nights ago was very special night, I've just been extremely busy since then. In any event, a friend of mine invited me to a movie, and being the frugal old bastard I am, I said, "a free movie, count me in!"
Therefore, after swim practice, I washed all the chlorine off and headed over to Beverly HIlls to meet my friend. As him and I drove up to the theater, I noticed a very large red-carpet. Then, it hit me. This wasn't just a free ticket to see the hit new Paramount feature "Dreamgirls" this was actually the L.A. premiere! Let's just say it was a good thing I was wearing a sassy signature baby-blue shirt and a hip, studded white belt. As we parked, I noticed everyone there wearing dark suits, hip dark-rimmed glasses, hot blonde babes and other assorted accessories.
There was a line wrapped around the building and apparently that was just for will-call. Now, my friend is a rather powerful person in the industry and despite this, we were going to be forced to wait in line with the rest of the group. That was until we saw this high-powered publicist who literally swept us up and walked us in. Needless to say, there were Oscar winners waiting in that line even. I felt very fortunate.
As we're walking in the Wilshire theater I had my first "star" sighting of the evening. Well, if you can call it that. I saw academy award winning actress, Shirly McClaine. And though I love her acting, and crazy psychic rantings, her head is HUGE! She looked like a bulldog; I couldn't stop staring. Then I saw "Caberet" star Joel Grey. At this point, I'm thinking to myself, what is with all these old hollywood peeps. I want a clearly drunk Lindsay Lohan falling all around the red-carpet or shit, I'd even take Nicole Richie drunk driving into all the paparazzi! Now THAT would be a story to write home to.
Blah blah blah, when you go to a movie premiere, you get tons of free....popcorn. Is that all? I know, right. I was thinking, as I was walking in, this is going to be amazing, all the free concessions a girl could dream of. I imagined that when I walked in the concession counter would be open and they'd allow you to fill up those damned six dollar sodas as many times as you wanted. And nestle's BunchaCrunch? "Two please sir!"
They did have free wine, both white and red, which, I'll admit, was nice. So, I grabbed two and made my way around the lobby. As I slammed the wine down and reached for another, I saw someone, yes, it was the star I'd been looking for the whole time, none other than McSteamy and Doogie Howser M.D. star, Neil Patrick Harris. So, I immediately positioned my way over near them. I stood there trying to look cute, giving my best "Paris Hilton Hip" pose, attempting to elongate my upper trunk area.
Then, all of a sudden, Doogie looks at me and says, "Hey Tyler. You crack me up!" I just about died! Doogie knows me! Then, it gets better...McSteamy, who had been talking to Doogie says, mind you in a deep, husky, Mcsteamy voice, "You are pretty funny." I melted right there! We all talked for a bit and they were great, very gracious, etc.
Here is where the real fun started. My friend and I took our seats and all around us were really big stars. I felt extremely lucky to be there. Just as I was getting comfortable, guess who sits down next to me...Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. For those of you who are not in the know, Jennifer Hudson (who will win an oscar for this) was in American Idol season three.
I attempted to play coy with Paula, but my excitement simply could not be bridled. My friend knew Paula from a project they'd worked on years ago and were chatting. I turned to Paula and said,
"Paula, I'm sure you don't recognize me, but I was in the Mighty Ducks as a child, and you were beyond kind to all of us on the set. Thank you so much for being so kind."
Paula was pleased as punch. She grabbed my hand, rather awkwardly in fact, and slurred some words. Painkillers and cheap white wine result in one-messed up pop-princess. Regardless, her and Randy were hilarious, cute and very nice. Though, I will add, Paula did try and pawn her stylist off on me.
"Tyler, he's really cute isn't he. Well, let me tell you, he's an EXCELLENT stylist. Best in the business."
I thought to myself, well, thanks Paula, but I'm not really hunting for one these days. I don't have millions of dollars to throw around. But, the probably the best part of the night was not even watching the movie, but watching Paula chow down on her pop-corn. She didn't even stop to inhale. Just went to town! Even better was when Jennifer Hudson hit the screen. While everyone else in the room cheered, Paula sort of babbled something to herself, dropped some popcorn and raised her fist in the air. I'm still not sure what it all meant, however, I just about died laughing.
Immediately before the movie started, the big movie stars started pouring in. As Jaime Foxx and his entourage meandered through the people in the aisles, he stopped and walked over to my friend and I. Apparently, my friend and him are friends. Ahhhhh Jaime Foxx! I stood up to shake his hand, and was surprised that I was actually taller than him. Not that I necessarily deserve an award for it, but, still, its always fun to compare yourself to a movie star in height. Next on the list, Tom Cruise.
All in all the night was incredible. I'd never been to a premiere like this and, I'm not sure if I'll ever go to another one. Regardless of all the celebrities, it was incredible watching a movie like Dreamgirls with such an enthusiastic crowd. Its my personal belief that black people are more fun to watch movies with. Afro-Carribean American culture celebrates song and dance much more than white people. Additionally, they see entertainment as an interactive experience.
For instance, when I see a horror movie, I'll always go to this specific theater in Boston where there is a large black population. If the female lead in the movie walks into an obviously dangerous house, members of the audience will often yell, "Dumb bitch! Wa'tch you think'in girl. He's gonna murder yo' ass!"
And you know what, the audience is right! Now, if I'm going to sit and watch The Constant Gardener, I'll see it at a stuffy art-house theater. However, this was Dreamgirls, I wanted the audience participation. Four standing ovations later, and a nice buzz, we left the movie. What did I think of it? Well, see it for yourself is all I have to say. OUTSTANDING!
All in all, it was a good night. Popped pills with Paula, traded war stories with Doogie and McSteamy and got tipsy for free. Now, I think I'm ready for my close up Mr. Demille.
As always, your sister in Kwan,
Tyler 1 Comments | Leave a Comment
Fake Papers
posted by Tyler Duckworth on Sunday, December 10, 2006 Two-years ago, a certain ex-boyfriend of mine, who shall remain nameless, needed a favor one day. We had spent the entire weekend doing, well, what boyfriends do. Sex? No, sillies. I'm a fun boyfriend. I don't have sex, I have fun! When you date me, you get to do a whole number of fun activities like drinking Carlo Rossi and playing Clue, or a rousing game of Hide-and-go-Twink, or better yet, baking dutch ovens in other people's beds!
Basically, this specific weekend was filled with the aforementioned activities. Unfortunately, none of his work was completed. He was a senior at Harvard at the time we dated. That said, he had a paper due the next morning, and being the nice boyfriend that I was, I was more than abliged to write his paper for him. If I remember correctly, the paper had to be an interview with a Sci-Fi fan. Seeing as no such interviews had taken place that weekend, I had to make one up. We were still buzzing from the Carlo Rossi we drank earlier, so I figured it would be fun. No shitting you, this is what I came up with. I wrote it in literally 25 minutes. How do I know this? Because my lazy-ass ex was in bed watching an episode of Will & Grace. Typical. But, enjoy the bullshitting that goes on in the mock-paper.
Disclaimer: He didn't actually turn in the paper. why? The professor would have known he didn't write it. He doesn't know the big words often used throughout the paper. Hazaa! And, I will admit, after looking at this, I'm kind of impressed with myself. It took a lot of Carlo Rossi induced creativity to come up with this fake paper. Maybe I should write papers for smart rich kids for a living! And, without further adieu, here is the fake paper, titled appropriately enough: Citigazze!
Into this wild abyss,
The womb of nature and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless the almighty maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds,
Into this wild abyss the wary fiend
Stood on the brink of hell and looked a while
Pondering his voyage…
-John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book II
“For me, His Dark Materials represented a spiritual awakening. A chance to delve deeper into taboo subject matter. Pullman’s writing, on some level, asked the questions I was always too afraid to ask.” he said to me with a quiet ease.
Seth has always considered himself to be a level-headed thinker. Growing up near Cleveland in a suburb called Shaker Heights, his interest in science fiction started at a young age.
“To be honest, my earliest memories of science fiction, or fantasy began with images of a talking lion named Aslan, a white witch and a magical wardrobe.” Seth noted, reminiscing contemplatively.
“It was never a question of whether or not it was weird or outrageous or not cool. For me, it was always just a part of me. I liked to look up at the sky and think about the possibilities. Aliens? God? Angels? Any child naturally asks whether or not these things really exist. On a philosophical level, I always had a hard time buying into institutionalized religion; this concept of an all-powerful super-entity, when aliens were seen as ridiculous or implausible.”
“My foray into science fiction really spoke of a deeper need of mine to explore the dimensions of reality, religion and philosophy. Yet, this deeper need to learn, think, or even question was in direct conflict with my parents religious beliefs, thereby stifling any actual study into the subject matter. That’s how I fell into the Chronicles [of Narnia]. Lewis’ s ability to confront both the natural imagination of a child while also dissecting the many intricacies of religious thought attracted me to him as a writer. Its funny that in my attempt to escape dogmatic propaganda, I would ultimately find myself reading one of organized religions’ biggest proponents.
The Lewis Seth is referring to is of course the famed Oxford professor Clive Staples Lewis. He is best known for his many works defending the existence of God through logical reasoning.
“Lewis, for me was a man for whom the world was an unending canvas. He opened my eyes to the fact that reality, though complex and theoretical, is still a place where the mind doesn’t necessarily have to strung together logic in a neat row, nor is it a concept that will ever be wholeheartedly understood. It is unfathomable, and in some odd way, I found comfort in this fact. It’s rather ironic that his attempt to prove the existence of God, I would instead find the motivation to question God. Yet, on some level, I think that was his ultimate goal.
At this point, I thought I was in for a religious fanatic illustrating, through C.S. Lewis books, that God, at least in the Judeo-Christian model, was real, and the savior of my sins. Interestingly enough, I realized that C.S. Lewis was nothing more than a light push into a philosophical firestorm of atheism and nihilism.
Seth claims that his journey into sci-fi began initially with Narnia and ultimately lead him to heaven, in a secular way of course.
Heaven, as I like to think of it, is more of a human construction, institutional foundation for after-life activities. The way [Phillip] Pullman draws together the whole conceptualization of an afterlife in terms of an actual destination, physical in sense that we can activity journey there and leave at will, blowing away any previous sense of heaven as a theoretical concept, but as a location.
This heaven, Seth speaks of is in reference to the Phillip Pullman Trilogy … 2 Comments | Leave a Comment
The Homeless Club
posted by Tyler Duckworth on Tuesday, December 05, 2006 As we all know, I love to sit at Starbucks and be a Hipster. Sit on my Powerbook and type away. What I'm actually typing is unimportant, remember, this is LA. Image is everything, right? Obviously not kids. That's the lesson of today!
Sarcasm aside, I really was sitting in Starbucks, sipping a Chai Latte and watching something quite extraordinary. Now, since I've been in LA I've become accustomed to groups of actors sitting around drinking coffee, talking about potential scripts, holding each other's egos above water. And that's fine. Entertaining usually, watching the big personalities compete for who is the biggest out-of-work actor at the table.
Not in Santa Monica. Things swing a bit different here. I came here today to run some errands, check out the beach, and enjoy a different part of LA. While in Starbucks, sipping away, typing away, I noticed something strange. These seemingly homeless people all sitting around. I immediately thought to myself, "tyler, they aren't homeless. How else would they afford their starbucks! I can barely afford starbucks everyday, let alone homeless people."
(and though I'm being hyperbolic, I can afford starbucks, I have to insert qualifiers like this as my mom doesn't believe my stories in the blogs)
In any event, as I sat their typing work up, I noticed that there were actually a ton of homeless people all around the coffee shop congregating as if they were getting ready for a big meeting. These weren't the homeless people that simply stare off into space, or mutter inaudible words. No, these were articulate, passionate homeless people. Sitting in the large leather chairs provided by Starbucks, these homeless people sat and strategized about which corners were best for pandhandling while others bemoaned the fact that the guy from "Wings" is a cheap bastard because he wouldn't give him any change.
"I need 10 more bucks. I won't be able to get my whore for the week!" said the one homeless guy who had a rattail hair-do and a dirty yellow wife-beater on
Yes, that is exactly what he said. Which bothers me on a number of levels, mainly this: Don't whores have standards? Are real-life whores that hard up for cash that they'll even sleep with homeless men? I wasn't able to enjoy the rest of my latte as the picture of some meth'ed-out whore bouncing on top of the aforementioned homeless man ran repeatedly through my head. Eww.
Also of interest is the fact that these ostensibly insane homeless people are well organized too! They pool their money together and divide it amongst themselves, then buy whores apparently. I wonder what other assorted items these kids spend their money on. And, if I really think about it, if I didn't have to pay rent, I wonder what ostentatious items I might buy. Certainly not a whore, especially after what I learned about today. No, I'd probably buy a balance beam for the backyard, or better yet, machine powered stilts.
As I was packing up to leave my comfortable hipster environment the silent homeless man started to talk. Though, he didn't talk like a normal person. Absolutely not, he spoke like a muppet. Remember Beaker? His mouth opened near the top muttering words that no matter what, sounded like the word, "Nicorete". Immediately I asked myself, what does this guys "O" face look like when he's going down with the first guy's whore.
Then I realize there are probably more important questions I could be asking, and I get the hell out of this haven for homeless hijinks. When I tell people Hollywood isn't that bad, I'm starting to believe myself; as bad as things get there, at least homeless people aren't plotting to take over the world! 2 Comments | Leave a Comment
Gymgasm!
posted by Tyler Duckworth on Friday, December 01, 2006 So, many of must wonder what Reality-TV stars like myself do all day long. Seeing as we aren't stuck in an office all day, we have the freedom to accomplish so much during the day. I usually hesitate using the word "we" as that would indicate I actually have something in common with other people who have appeared on realty tv shows. Semantics aside, lately I've been getting ready for our big pitch for our Olympic show. Additionally, I WAS gearing up for a gig as a contributing author for a book. But, sarcasm aside, what do we actually fill our day with. I know a couple Real Worlders who hit the gym a lot, while a number of others who spend the better part of their day nursing their hangover from the night before. Additionally, there are a few others who nap. And when I say nap, I mean NAP! At least a two-hour slog each and everyday. And, I shouldn't judge, as I get testy if I can't take my nap. That isn't to suggest that I actually take one everyday, rather I need the option of napping.
Well, to give you a clue as to what I'm up to during the sunlit hours, you needed look to far. In fact, I spend many fruitful hours on Youtube, doing what I consider "research".
"Researching what now?" you ask!
Well, gymnastics of course. That is to say that despite all the MTV bullshit that I've done in the past year, on some level, I still live in this delusional world where NBC might still hire me down the road as a researcher for their sports department. However, you can't just get hired to do research. You have to know the sport. Or, at least that is what I told myself in college when I had the proverbial "what am I going to do with my life" freakout session. It was at that point where I realized I needed a trade. While all my friends had taken a slew of Econ courses, or bio/pre-med courses, I was wandering through the fields of thought concerning gender perceptions in, what I now affectionately refer to as, Touchy-Feely classes. These are the classes where minorities all sit around talking about our feelings about being minorities. We use big, academic words to describe and dissect, in quite colorful detail, concepts that are so elementary and well-known its ridiculous. Take for instance my first semester, senior year. I took at class called "Constructions of whiteness" where we literally de-constructed the notion of a white heirarchy in American politics and history, instead choosing to witness the "American Experience" through the eyes of a non-eurocentric perspective on the formation of institutions of utility in America.
Tell me, how the HELL is a class like that going to help me get a job? But, whatever, I can say I wrote a 30-page treatise bullshiting on the corollation between the identity formation of afro-carribean women and white, gay men. Its actually quite interesting, knowing that it conception was mainly due to a 24 pack of Diet Dr. Pepper. Basically enough caffeine to power a small city in Belgium.
So, considering all of this, I convinced myself that my "trade" would be Olympic Sport Trivia. So, during my second semester of senior year I decided to dedicate my freetime to the art of Olympic Fact Gathering. I can now tell you any and everything about the two gayest sports out there, Gymnastics and Figure Skating. This is done through countless hours of blogging at GGMB. My favorite place to find all the hottest gossip about my two favorite sports.
However, while researching this morning, I came across this video of the Great Shaposhinova. Known today for a transition she invented on the Uneven Bars, she was a Gold Medalist or "Zolotoye Myedalistye" at the Moscow games in 1980. If you get a chance, check out this link on youtube. Then you can see what I do all day. Research!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3Ad1VYY28s
Basically this bitch is the baddest bitch in town, this side of 'crenshaw. Check out that "one armed planche". Probably the coolest move on beam, EVER!
Your sister in Kwan,
Ty 0 Comments | Leave a Comment
