Last night, after coming in from an extremely entertaining "Nightmare before Christmas: 3-D Special" at the El Capitan theater, in Hollywood, I found myself getting into bed with my ex-boyfriend, Hot Ryan. He was, if you remember, the subject of some earlier blogs concerning a certain Gay International competition in Palm Springs. That said, before he got into bed, he went to the bathroom. I was online, doing my usual online blogging, except about Gymnastics.
Five minutes later, as he's coming out, I smell this terrible odor.
"What the hell did you do in there? Perform an abortion?" I asked him.
"Hey, I told you I had to go." He responded. And, to his credit, he had been drinking a lot that weekend. We ALL know what happens when you drink for three days straight.........
BUD MUD!
In any event, as he crawled into bed, I realized that I hadn't heard him wash his hands.
"Did you, by the by, wash your hands after you were done?"
He stared at me blankly, obviously realizing that I had just caught him.
"I mean, I washed them with water."
I started gagging, telling him that before he got into my bed, he would have to wash his hands...with soap!
He did so, and quietly came back into bed.

Now, as an ex-boyfriend, now friend, I think it was very nice of me to share my bed. However, I draw the line when he is too lazy to wash his stanky ass hands before getting into bed. I know he came out pretty late, therefore, he was around the influence of dirty straight boys for a long time, but really young man...

To add insult to injury, I then walk into the bathroom to go pee before bed, and he had shut the window.
"Why the hell is the window closed." I again yelled.
"it was cold!!" he responded with his whiney voice.
If he weren't so cute, I'd actually have to get mad at him one of these days.

Still though, who doesn't wash their goddamned hands, really now.

Recently, while sitting in a hotel restaurant, eating French Toast, a gaggle of young girls approached me.

"Um, are you from the Real World?" they asked.
Mouth full of syrup and toast, I respond slowly, "Yes, I am."
"No you aren't! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Now, I completely understand being excited to meet someone from the Real World. I totally would stalk former real worlders if I saw them in real life. Once, in Harvard Sq. I thought I saw Randy from San Diego buying a bagel from Au Bon Pain. I almost died, outside. I would never run up screaming. However, I did have my face pressed against the glass.

I had dinner yesterday with Randy, and we discussed this. He, obviously, did not remember it, however it was such a big deal for me at the time. We started talking about what we hate and love about fans. So, I thought I'd spell it out for you, in case you run into a real worlder in the near future:

1) Please do not scream. Most Real Worlders are nursing a very severe hangover and can't deal with the noise. While others, are sedated on a whole number of different prescription drugs, RE: The Denver Cast. And, no amount of screaming will garner a response. Approach quietly, and reserved, and the Real Worlder will respond kindly in return, unless, again, you're from Denver. Then you'll probably just have saliva dripping down the side of your mouth.

2) Don't ask about how you can get on the show. By the time you've done the show, and one of the subsequent challenges, you don't care about the show itself anymore. You don't care who will be on the next season (unless you're a die-hard fan like me) or how other people can be on the show. This is a defense mechanism, as most real worlders are such narcissists, rarely will they be concerned with issues not concerning them, i.e. you, the fan, getting on the show. Trust me, we have no inside information. We all got lucky. Over 70,000 people apply. We have no idea what they are looking for, or do we....

3) Pictures are cool, IF your camera works. Nothing is as irritating as a camera that a) doesn't work or b) a friend who doesn't know how to work a camera. I'll excuse a mom or dad, as digital cameras can be confusing to those who grew up without the words "Windows OS" in their vernacular. However, if the camera doesn't work the first couple times, cut your losses and move on. However much we smile, imagine if you were on the street, having to stand there while somone messed around with a camera.

4) Do NOT approach me if I'm eating a burrito! When I'm eating Chipotle, its almost spiritual. Even an Anna's burrito is a special time. Those that know me well, know that a burrito is emblematic of how amazing food can be. Its my comfort food. If a boy breaks up with me, the first thing I do is call all my best girlfriends, and by girlfriends, I mean my two friends named Ryan, and we grab a huge Burrits (slang for Burrito). I'm usually really cool about pictures, talking to people. Who am I kidding, I love the attention. However, while eating at a chipotle in Beverly Hills a group of high schoolers saw me and started screaming, asking for pictures, etc. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, ITS BURRITO TIME BITCHES!!
Needless to say, they didn't get the picture, or an autograph. A nice couple of kids waited until I finished my meal, and I gave them all the pictures in the world, even a few jazz hands too!

5) Don't tell a Real Worlder "They" are your favorite. We find this to be extremely disengenuous. Why? Because at colleges where we do speeches with other Real Worlders, we hear the same students go up to like three real worlders and always say, "OMG, You are TOTALLY my favorite! I hated...so and so...but loved you!" Such words are as real as Janelle's boobs.


Those are just some quick tips for you kids when you see a real worlder. Because, you're not cool, unless a celebrity thinks you are. Or so our society would have you believe...