Tyler Duckworth's Blog

LoGo

2007-03-09T16:34:00.000-08:00

http://logo.blogs.com/new_now_next/2007/03/logo_launch_par.html#more

2007-03-09T13:43:00.000-08:00

A Big Gay Whoops

2007-03-09T13:42:00.000-08:00

Gay D to the Rama!

Last night was my birthday, AND the LOGO - Time Warner Launch. If you guys didn't know, Logo is the gay network launched two years ago by MTV Networks. That said, they've finally struck a deal with Time Warner who will now distribute their channel (#146) on millions of new homes. What this means is that America just got a lot gayer. And I'm all for it.
Past that, they had this brilliantly fabulous soiree with gay celebrities, hot well-manicured men all around and tons of former gay real world castmembers, including myself. So, I'm there with my roomie, and my writing partner. We're standing there and Lance Bass walks by. Of course we all get excited. My friends were excited because it was, well Lance Bass. I was excited because I knew Davis, from the Real World: Denver was supposed to be there. Cue Reichen drama. I love gay Hollywood.
Here's the deal. In Atlanta, Davis claimed to have a threesome with Reichen about two months ago. I remember it well because Davis was texting me about it that night.
Wat up
Hey
Guess who I’m with? Reichen. He’s HOTTT
Cool, where u at?
Atlanta
Should I hook up with him?
I guess. Sure?
Blah
Blah blah
Blah Blah Blah

I told him, yeah, go for it I guess. But remember, two bottoms do NOT equal a top! (cue audience laughter)
So, apparently someone (more than one source says Davis) leaked the info to perezhilton.com. Then it was all over the (gay)news. Headlines read:
"DID REAL WORLD DAVIS SPLIT UP REICHEN AND LANCE?"

No! They had broken up long before. Its just that someone is trying to plant a story. I mean, it happens all the time Re: Jessica Simpson & John Mayer.

So, when Lance walked away, my friends and I started laughing at the situation at hand. Thinking we were in our very own gay version of "Friends" we cheersed and went on our merry way. Not but five minutes pass and I see our friend Davis standing on the stairs. Immediately I shout, "DAVIS, WATCH OUT. BOY BAND SIGHTING AT 8 O'CLOCK!"

I laughed thinking I was clever, and patted him on the shoulder, "good to see you bud." And walked away. As I waved he sat there shaking his head.

I walked back to my friends and we danced, gossiped about what to expect next week on UGLY BETTY and drank some more. Not knowing I had offended anyone, a cute, latino looking man walked up to me.

"um, Tyler, Davis just wanted you to know that what you said was REALLY tasteless."

I just starred back blankly. Was this guy serious? What was going on? What did I say? Then I realized the N*sync joke probably didn't play well with him. My friends looked at me with equally blank stares. Not that they didn't have something to say, they were simply drunk, just like me and didn't give a shit.

"Well, tell him sorry?" I responded trying to feign interest at this point.

The cute latino man walked away, seemingly satisfied with his efforts. As I went to approach the group to bitch I thought to myself. “Davis has quite the nerve. He’s the one that slept (well, whatever you call it when two bottoms attempt sex) with Lance’s ex-boyfriend and wants press about it. Now THAT is tasteless…wait…why is my drink empty. Why do I care…WAITOR!”

And with that, I was like Katharine McPhee. Over it.

When will there be a gay real world? I’d totally be the accidental asshole all over again. I kind of love it. Lesson to be learned kids? Do not make bottom jokes to a bottom. That’s all I’m saying.

The life of a Marine...

2007-02-20T18:19:00.000-08:00

My best friend forwarded me this news story. It is about his freshman year roommate from college, at Tufts. It was embarassing for me to read, because, after having read the article, all I could think to myself was, "Well Tyler, all you did today was go running, shave your back, and re-orient your "inner-vision".

Please read the article, makes you realize what's really going on over there...

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C., Jan. 16, 2007 - Acting boldly in the face of adversity is something all Marines are taught. Against an enemy loath to engage Americans directly, few Marines get to test their mettle in combat and fewer still distinguish themselves so heroically that their gallantry merits special recognition.

U.S. Marine Corps 1st Lt. Elliott Ackerman of 1st Battalion, 8th Marine Regiment, on Jan. 12, accepted the Silver Star, the nation’s third-highest military award for valor.

“From that position that day, we were a little exposed,” he recalled. “Insurgents came out and slowly tried to surround us.”

For Ackerman, the fighting was just beginning. As the battle ensued, he recognized that his Marines on the rooftop of the building were exposed. He ordered them to seek cover in the building and headed to the roof himself. His actions prompted a hail of enemy fire on his position.

“The Marines, like Marines always do, just started performing in an incredible manner. We had a job to do and just had to make sure it got done,” said Ackerman.

According to his citation, Ackerman took heavy enemy fire on the rooftop but still “coolly employed an M240G machine gun to mark targets for supporting tanks, with devastating effects on the enemy.”

In all, Ackerman was able to simultaneously direct tank fire, coordinate four separate medical evacuations and continually attack with his platoon, all the while suffering from his own shrapnel wounds.

Ackerman said he was only doing what he saw others around him doing.

“I think we all go out there and know what our job is and what’s expected of you,” he said. “There is only one alternative; it is to do it or not do it. You have to do what needs to be done in a situation. That’s what all the Marines were doing. I feel this award doesn’t represent something for myself; it represents what I saw everyone doing out there.”

As of Jan. 9, according to statistics maintained by the Marine Corps, only 69 Marines had received the Silver Star since the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq began.

Ackerman, a 26-year-old native of Washington, D.C., was recognized for his courage under fire while serving as a platoon commander during the November 2004 battle to wrest Fallujah from the grip of fanatical insurgents.

Brig. Gen. Charles M. Gurganus, assistant division commander, 2nd Marine Division, presented the award as Ackerman’s family and fellow Marines looked on.
The citation summarizing then-2nd Lt. Ackerman’s ac tions covers a six-day period that began on Nov. 10, 2004, when his platoon came under fire from a heavy enemy counterattack.

“We had a mission to get a foothold for the battalion,” said Ackerman, who returned last month from his second deployment, the latest as a member of Battalion Landing Team 1/8, the ground combat element of the 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit. “We saw that the original building we intended to go in to just wouldn’t work to get that mission done. We pushed a little bit deeper than it probably would have been prudent to do.”

Pushing deeper ensured his unit would accomplish its mission, but the advance left him and his Marines more exposed to enemy fighters, who responded by pouring heavy fire on the Marines’ position.

As his Marines began to take injuries, Ackerman sprang to action, twice pulling his Marines to safety and coordinating their evacuation. The amphibious-assault vehicle sent to retrieve his Marines had trouble finding them, lo st in the fog of war. Ackerman again risked his life, charging into the open from a covered position to flag down the vehicle and direct it to his Marines’ location. His actions took him through a “gauntlet of deadly enemy fire,” according to the citation.

The Pita Sisters & The Case of Geoff Mongo Zann

2007-02-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

The pita Logs – May 20th, 2006

Jeslyn driving down mainstreet Easton on her cellphone in her Mini-Van.

“Diane, I just don’t get it. Jim seems to be less and less interested in me and more interested in the new Xbox he purchased. I thought when men go through their mid-life crisis, they would be more intent on buying cars and galavanting around with young floozies. All he wants to do is scratch his balls and play the Mortal Kombat X-treme IV”
(Slams on breaks for old Jewish man crossing street stuffing Challah bread down his throat)
“Christ on a cross! Anyways, I just don’t get it. I mean, I could manage life without the sex, but, now, no attention. Does he think I’m a robot?”

The Pita Logs, 4/14/06

"Julia, what is the matter!" Diane frantically exclaimed to an obviously frazzled Julia

"I've had enough, enough! Who is this Geof Mongo Zann. He has invaded every aspect of my life! I'm gonna die!" again spat out Julia
Sadly, in many ways, this wasn't a recent, and predictable bout of Julia's dramatics. There was, some validity to her statements. A mysterious man, cloaked in a dark, satin red jumpsuit had indeed been invading every aspect of julia's codependent life.
At the supermarket, there he was, picking up some thinly sliced cold cuts at the deli, while she peered nervously through the Nabisco cracker selection.
At her son's swim practice, he again appeared, in nothing less than a Toyota Tercell, with his gay little jumpsuit on, mouthing, what seemed to Julia, the lyrics to George Micheal's late 80s hit, "Freedom '90".
A few days later, again, this shady man, Geof Mongo Zann, "accidently" bumped in to her at the local burger joint, Benchwarmer Bobs.
The facebook poke she recieved from him the next morning only confirmed the fact that something was awry. Something dark was in the air, and it wasn't the black clowds drifting over from Morder. Something much more sinister.

Julia knew she had to take matters into her own hands. Well aware that Jeslyn was having one of those "me" moments that last from Monday afternoon until thursday evening and that Diane was dealing with a broker as she put another mortgage on her home.
"Diane, its me, Julia. I may need the number to Lt. Jenkins! Julia mumbled as her hand shook so bad it was audible to a very stressed out Diane...

And the case of The Pita Sisters and Geof Mongo Zann continues....

Ebay Auction Items!

2007-02-15T13:31:00.000-08:00

Ebay Items for Auctions!

Hey Everyone -
Aren't you glad I'm back with blogs? I can hear the collective, sarcastic grown across America.
"Yes Tyler, so glad you're back!"

With that said, I'm excited to announce that I am auctioning some cool items on Ebay. Part of the proceeds actually will go to a foundation I'm attempting to start, to bring visibility and awareness to gay athletes. More on that later. In the meantime however, feel free to check the items out.

All are MTV related. That is to say that these are all items that I got from the VMAs. When you are a celebrity, or a faux one like myself, you get to go to gifting suites. I picked up all these amazing items, and am now putting them up for auction, because really, at the end of the day, do I really need a designer handbag? (and the question, though rhetorical, does have an answer, NO)

Here are the links to the items, with their pictures, retail price, etc. Enjoy taking a look. Pass along to a friend if they love sunglasses or handbags!

Your sister in kwan,
Tyler D.

Ebay Auction Items: Links

Malibu Sunglasses- Dolce & Gobbana:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=180086387858&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=008

D&G Aviators:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=180086143033&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=008

Felix bag:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=180086144998&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=008

Tallulah hangbag:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=180086146594&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=008

Migraine on V-Day

2007-02-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

Hey Guys (and gals)
So, my new routine will go as follows: Wake up with sleep in my, look to the mountains north of me and appreciate nature. Then I will sit down at my computer and blog while drinking no less than two glasses of water. At my computer I will BLOG! I'm trying to make it a habit, so I can keep you kids updated on all my comings and goings!
But, I'm currently recovering from a TERRIBLE migraine headache, suffered last night. I got it at the mall at 5 and had it until 1am. Now I get while all those women in headache commercials look so angry and frustrated. I wanted to literally die! But, a midnight run to the handy 7-11 allowed me to quell the pain.
Also of note today, on this extremely informative, yet somewhat boring blog, I'm having my headshots redone today. How Exciting! I wish my skin looked a little better, however, thanks to MAC make-up products (ahem, Janelle) I'm pretty confident it'll all turn out alright. Now I just have to worry about my hair...
But, I have big news to deliver, I'll wait and do it on its own blog, perhaps tomorrow.
Happy Valentines Day! (says the bitterly single gay man....)
Ty

P.S. I skipped all the obvious Vagina - V-day jokes as a favor to you all. However, if any of you reading this are in college, and thinking of attending The Vagina Monologues, do it! Celebrate Feminism. I do it on a daily basis.

Midnight's Corner

2007-02-06T12:52:00.000-08:00

Periodically, I wil begin featuring "gems" from my friend, the incredible Dan Gilmore aka Midnight. He is the first and only person who can brag that they began their own facebook blog. They were comedic/philosophical perfection. So, when his wit graces the wall of my profile, I must make every attempt to acknowledge this greatness. But, this week, he left this:

"I know I've been lobbying for a new "fabulous" for years,
but today I think I may have hit on it: marvelous. It's way
more Tim Gunn than Kimora Lee Simmons; it's gay plus gravitas.
Spread the gayspel far and wide."

Well said, my friend, well said.

State of the Union

2007-01-23T18:34:00.000-08:00

Loving the Bushisms that are flying at me minute by minute. I will continually add random thoughts throughout though Timmy is making me forget all of the funny things I wanted to write...Ughghgh. Fuck. I'll be back shortly.

Webisodes

2007-01-23T15:55:00.000-08:00

So, I'm doing analysis (blogging) for a website concerning the Real World: Denver. I post them on my Myspace but thought you guys, my loyal tylerduck.com fans, would appreciate to see them here on my site as well. UGhghghg. Being cyber is really tough sometimes.

The Real World: Denver Ep. 12

Dear Jenn,
Please NEVER stop drinking. You make great TV!
Love,
Executives at MTV

In all honesty, the story editors at Bunim/Murray have apparently already hit their creative wall. That is to say that this week’s episode was basically a stream of conscious view of the past week, but on crack. Whitney Houston crack, no less. Despite this lack of coherent storyline, let’s take a look at what happened.

Is it me, or is Davis kind of like a really hot robot? Not to be mean, but really. He speaks in an odd southern, monotone voice. Don’t get me wrong, the boy is absolutely beautiful, however, he is basically expressionless, that is, unless he’s piss ass drunk. Then, well, he’s just a drunk robot, but you get the point. The editors try and fool the viewers into thinking that Brooke may fall in love with Davis’s internalized homophobia, obviously manifested in his faux-romanitic intentions towards Brooke. Well, guys in the editing room, ya’ ain’t foolin’ anyone. Least of all Brooke, who speaking with Tyrie more than gets the point across that in no way shape or form is she going to let the editors manipulate the footage. And, you know what Brooke, Kudos to you! I could learn a lesson or two from you. First storyline dies, just like my bonor for Davis watching him awkwardly flirt with Brooke. Yeah, it made me feel uncomfortable too.

Now, for the best part of the episode, but probably the least explosive, Stephen’s girlfriend…MERCII! Yes, guys, she really spells her name with two-I’s. I like how that plotline completely dies and goes no where, so they can focus the rest of the episode on Jenn’s drunken tirades. Blah blah blah Stephen. Mercii is probably whoopin’ yo’ ass as I type this because she’s so pissed at what she saw this week. And you know what, if I were Mercii, I’d be pissed too. I’d call my mom up and ask the bitch why she spelled my name like I had downs’ syndrom. Damn woman. Stephen, best of luck with that one. Though, I thought it was pretty cool the way you handled Drunk Jenn. Admirable. I like Stephen. Though he’s Republican, I think I’d like to do a challenge with him.

Last, but certainly not least, is the award for Crazy Bitch of the episode. This week’s award goes to a very satisfying Jenn. [cue applause] Jenn’s non-sober antics are causing some fans to wonder if she’ll be appearing on the new Oh! Channel hit, the real world sister show, The Bad Girls Club. I say casting should forward her right along. She’d be perfect! Throwing shit, swearing, spitting, cat fights. Oh my god, I almost forgot. Did anyone else notice how they had to blur her tits while she was yelling at Alex. It was amazing. I mean, it was pretty low of Alex to say that to Stephen. Davis, you are totally a bitch snitch, and I love you for it. Jenn totally pulled a Tara Reid. Girl didn’t even know she was hanging out. Jenn, we all raise our glasses to you!
Next week’s episode looks lame, but I’ll totally be watching it anyways. By guys!

Tyra in the Hiz-Ouse

2007-01-09T11:21:00.000-08:00

Hey Kids -
So, I know its late notice, however, I'm sure it'll re-air, as they all do, a million times over. But, I was on the Tyra Banks show today. Check it out on your local listings. It was pretty good. I was actually impressed. They edited it very well, so I'm pleased.

The View

2007-01-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

How long has it been since I've seen The View? About two weeks. Then, when I finally tune in, Rosie's not on, and let's face it, besides Joy Behar, Rosie is the only reason I watch. God, to think, Elizabeth Hasselbeck... Ughghgh!

I'll report more later...Glad to be back in LA though!

Merry Christmas

2006-12-26T10:25:00.000-08:00

Hey Kids. Merry Christmas. I hope you had a dysfuctional celebration of booze and family and bad gifts! For christmas this year, my father gave me a card, with only one sentance, it went like this...

Dear Tyler,
Michelle Kwan is a republican.
love,
Dad

Can you think of anything more terrible? My michelle, a...a...republican?! I almost died. And, the sad part is, its true. She is. She's been in bed with those bastards for years, though I've turned a blind eye. So, my christmas was ruined, by the truth, which ultimately, isn't THAT bad.

Also for christmas, I was constipated for two days. Yes, two days. And, to make matters worse, I'd eaten Chipotle right before, meaning that I had a chipotle burrito stuck in me for, oh about, 52 hours. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting...

So, I got constipation for Christmas. What did you get?

Beamtastic!

2006-12-19T21:07:00.000-08:00

Many of you have seen this image up on my MYSPACE or FACEBOOK profile. Since uploading this, well, fantastic image, many people have commented, "WOW, LOOKS LIKE IT HURTS" or "Damn boy, how you sit like that!" While I appreciate every and all comments, I must inform all you wonderful fans that looks can be deceiving. I'm not actually "Sitting" on the beam. Oh no. I'm actually holding myself up. You just can't see it because of my big ass. In gymnastics, its called a planche. It is where you hold your entire body weight up on your hands. Look closely. Its very hard to lift 190lbs up on a four-inch beam. But, hey, that's why I'm so incredible at the end of the day, right?! (note cybersarcasm)

Minnesota Bound

2006-12-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

After a rather difficult past week, involving a car accident, a pathological friend, and a stain on a brand new Gap waffle T-shirt, I'm ready to take a break and enjoy the holidays. Be it known, that within 12 hours of my arrival in Minnesota, I've eaten my way through no less than ten homemade donut holes. Wowza is right! What's better is that by the time I leave Minnesota for the New Year festivities, I'll probably have gained back the weight I lost.
Lost weight? Yes. But not in a fun, traditional finger down the throat hollywood way. No, that would be much too easy. Instead, I did it by being poor. The story goes, I hadn't been paid for a modeling gig and a college speech. After a month, I was getting really pissed. And, it was one of the situations where no one specifically is doing anything wrong, simply red-tape, beaurocracy type bullshit.
That said, I went an entire month without being paid, forcing me to literally eat soup everyday. Thankfully, my roommate had gone shopping at Costco, ensuring large quantities of soup for me to eat. In any event, my buddy had flown into town to visit this past weekend, and all he could say, when he saw me, was, "Shit, you've lost some weight!"
And, as much as my friends joke, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin" I disagree. Domino's Pizza, meatlovers tastes WAY better than being thin. No question about it!

So, with that in mind, I will keep you posted on the weight gain. Though, when I was eating lunch with my father today, he was surprised that I hadn't finished all of my mexican. Mind you, if a burrito is involved, it is pretty much guaranteed to be gone. But, today's burrito got lucky, very lucky. Maybe next time, it won't get away so easily.

Two Diet cokes
six donut holes
half a burrito
and one satisfied stomach!

Mile-High Club

2006-12-15T14:44:00.000-08:00

I've been tapped to provide witty, sarcastic commentary on the new season of The Real World: Denver. It'll be featured on the site, www.insidepulse.com reality dish?! I'm not exactly 100% sure. However, I'll be featuring my blogs from that site, on my own, right here. So, enjoy! And, remember, the reason they hired me to do this is because I'm sassy. So, Denver Castmembers, don't be offended, read this with a sense of irony, please. And, with that, here we go!

Now, to the fun stuff. Dishing on The Real World. I’ll admit it, The Real World has been my favorite show since the first season, when I was like, ten years old. Nonetheless, I’m just as excited as you are to meet this season’s seven new strangers. Though, now I will admit, it is much harder to judge the seven strangers now knowing how much false editing takes place. So, let’s not judge them, let’s simply indulge in them!

My first thoughts on Denver? T to the R to the ASHY! TRASHY! MTV knows what it’s doing by now and has a formulaic structure to seasonal cycles. That is to say that Key West was a more intellectual season, where societal issues like anorexia, hurricanes and spoiled rich kids were highlighted. Other “issue” seasons include, but are not limited to: San Francisco, Philadelphia, Back to New York and Chicago. Denver, on the other hand, is of the “Shock and Awe” vein. Where, producers and castmembers will stop at nothing to shock the viewer into tuning in. Note MTV’s sad yet salacious promotion of the “Three-Way Premiere”. What this really constituted was a three-hour repeat block of the same show, i.e. MTV is currently in the Holiday haze where they have no other programming and need to shamelessly trick America into thinking there would be a threesome, ala Las Vegas. Well, folks, Denver is no Vegas, no matter how much clever marketing goes into it. However, that isn’t to suggest that it won’t be fun watching these seven youngsters throw themselves into unabashed hedonism all in an attempt to live up to Vegas. Bring it on Bitches! With that, let’s break down the cast.

Tyrie: Big, scary black man, who is a really a teddy-bear at heart

Brooke: Seemingly slutty Southern Chick who is being billed as the next “Paula” but with dark hair

Colie: “Get’s drunk on wine” sorority chick from New Jersey who cleverly capitalized on her tangential, at best, relation to Hurricane Katrina. Hey, it got her cast on the show!

Alex: The only straight, white guy this season. Not too compelling of a story behind this guy, but, he’s attractive, straight and white, so, hell, put him on TV. The Real World ceased to be about interesting people years ago. Even I can admit that.

Jenn: Slutty, but hot half-Asian chick from the bay area. The bitch can dance, and in my book, that is all that matters.

Davis: Racist gay dude from the south. Amazing casting job!

Stephen: Even better than Davis, they cast a homophobic black republican. As if Condoleezza Rice wasn’t enough.

So, there we have it kids. Seven new strangers. The aforementioned opinions aren’t necessarily mine, but rather what MTV told me to think. Now, let’s catch up on all the action. What we’ve seen already:

-Alex slept with Colie AND Jenn, within the first two days, substantiating all those claims during the casting process that they were indeed, Sluts!

-We discovered that Colie is co-dependent. Explains the rumors of her pill-popping from the recently filmed Challenge in South Africa

-Tyrie is still scary. After that fight with Davis, I reminded myself, never “step-up” to a large, former gang-banger who also just happens to be a black belt in Karate

-Davis likes to call black people the N-Word too! It seems Davis will be covering for Michael Richards next week at The Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Tickets on sale now!

-Stephen doesn’t like gay people. And people are saying that Republicans today aren’t sticking to their party platform. Pshhhah.

-Apparently Jenn and Jose have the same eye-brow stylist. Will rumors fly that Jenn is gay too?

-Stephen is kind of sexy for a black, homophobic republican. Looking forward to seeing more of him

As we can see, we’ve had a rather active first couple of episodes with Denver. Will Brooke get her own narrative arc, or will she be the “Jose” of Denver. Will Tyrie finally kill Davis? Will Colie stop whining to the camera? And, when will we see those high-kicks Jenn! I look forward to covering this season with all of you. Remember, if it isn’t real, it isn’t on MTV!!

Your sister in Kwan,
Tyler

More Hot Pix

2006-12-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

Hailing the God-foresaken Cab...

The hot pix

2006-12-15T10:09:00.000-08:00

I came across this picture as I was cleaning u...

2006-12-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

I came across this picture as I was cleaning up my hard-drive. There is actually a pretty funny story behind it.
My friend Erika was having a big birthday bash at this club in Boston. We had 8 people heading over, and only one of the two cabs we called, ended up showing up. Therefore, the other four were forced to try and flag down their own cab. This is certainly easier said than done. Stepping up to the plate, I attempted to flag one down, quite unsuccessfully. What this really means is that I ran into the street and demanded that the cab take us. The driver, who in typical townie form, was not having it. He said to me, "Get out of the fucking road you faggot!"
Shocked, my friend spit on the cab. And, for good reason. That wasn't the nicest thing that the cabby could have said. Well, at this point, shit hit the fan. The cabby reached down and grabbed a two-liter of Diet Pepsi "Star Wars: Special Edition" and threw it directly at me. Little did he know that I have Cat-like reflexes and he barely missed hitting me. Bastard. In any event, some more homophobic remarks were thrown at us, as was assorted trash laying around his cab. Instead of calling the police, we laughed, and got another cab. The following pictures are a dramatic re-telling through clever and inventive photojournalism.

Just a little Pitchy

2006-12-13T07:51:00.000-08:00

So, last night was a very special night. Well, actually, that is a bold-faced lie. Two nights ago was very special night, I've just been extremely busy since then. In any event, a friend of mine invited me to a movie, and being the frugal old bastard I am, I said, "a free movie, count me in!"
Therefore, after swim practice, I washed all the chlorine off and headed over to Beverly HIlls to meet my friend. As him and I drove up to the theater, I noticed a very large red-carpet. Then, it hit me. This wasn't just a free ticket to see the hit new Paramount feature "Dreamgirls" this was actually the L.A. premiere! Let's just say it was a good thing I was wearing a sassy signature baby-blue shirt and a hip, studded white belt. As we parked, I noticed everyone there wearing dark suits, hip dark-rimmed glasses, hot blonde babes and other assorted accessories.
There was a line wrapped around the building and apparently that was just for will-call. Now, my friend is a rather powerful person in the industry and despite this, we were going to be forced to wait in line with the rest of the group. That was until we saw this high-powered publicist who literally swept us up and walked us in. Needless to say, there were Oscar winners waiting in that line even. I felt very fortunate.
As we're walking in the Wilshire theater I had my first "star" sighting of the evening. Well, if you can call it that. I saw academy award winning actress, Shirly McClaine. And though I love her acting, and crazy psychic rantings, her head is HUGE! She looked like a bulldog; I couldn't stop staring. Then I saw "Caberet" star Joel Grey. At this point, I'm thinking to myself, what is with all these old hollywood peeps. I want a clearly drunk Lindsay Lohan falling all around the red-carpet or shit, I'd even take Nicole Richie drunk driving into all the paparazzi! Now THAT would be a story to write home to.
Blah blah blah, when you go to a movie premiere, you get tons of free....popcorn. Is that all? I know, right. I was thinking, as I was walking in, this is going to be amazing, all the free concessions a girl could dream of. I imagined that when I walked in the concession counter would be open and they'd allow you to fill up those damned six dollar sodas as many times as you wanted. And nestle's BunchaCrunch? "Two please sir!"
They did have free wine, both white and red, which, I'll admit, was nice. So, I grabbed two and made my way around the lobby. As I slammed the wine down and reached for another, I saw someone, yes, it was the star I'd been looking for the whole time, none other than McSteamy and Doogie Howser M.D. star, Neil Patrick Harris. So, I immediately positioned my way over near them. I stood there trying to look cute, giving my best "Paris Hilton Hip" pose, attempting to elongate my upper trunk area.
Then, all of a sudden, Doogie looks at me and says, "Hey Tyler. You crack me up!" I just about died! Doogie knows me! Then, it gets better...McSteamy, who had been talking to Doogie says, mind you in a deep, husky, Mcsteamy voice, "You are pretty funny." I melted right there! We all talked for a bit and they were great, very gracious, etc.
Here is where the real fun started. My friend and I took our seats and all around us were really big stars. I felt extremely lucky to be there. Just as I was getting comfortable, guess who sits down next to me...Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. For those of you who are not in the know, Jennifer Hudson (who will win an oscar for this) was in American Idol season three.
I attempted to play coy with Paula, but my excitement simply could not be bridled. My friend knew Paula from a project they'd worked on years ago and were chatting. I turned to Paula and said,
"Paula, I'm sure you don't recognize me, but I was in the Mighty Ducks as a child, and you were beyond kind to all of us on the set. Thank you so much for being so kind."
Paula was pleased as punch. She grabbed my hand, rather awkwardly in fact, and slurred some words. Painkillers and cheap white wine result in one-messed up pop-princess. Regardless, her and Randy were hilarious, cute and very nice. Though, I will add, Paula did try and pawn her stylist off on me.
"Tyler, he's really cute isn't he. Well, let me tell you, he's an EXCELLENT stylist. Best in the business."
I thought to myself, well, thanks Paula, but I'm not really hunting for one these days. I don't have millions of dollars to throw around. But, the probably the best part of the night was not even watching the movie, but watching Paula chow down on her pop-corn. She didn't even stop to inhale. Just went to town! Even better was when Jennifer Hudson hit the screen. While everyone else in the room cheered, Paula sort of babbled something to herself, dropped some popcorn and raised her fist in the air. I'm still not sure what it all meant, however, I just about died laughing.
Immediately before the movie started, the big movie stars started pouring in. As Jaime Foxx and his entourage meandered through the people in the aisles, he stopped and walked over to my friend and I. Apparently, my friend and him are friends. Ahhhhh Jaime Foxx! I stood up to shake his hand, and was surprised that I was actually taller than him. Not that I necessarily deserve an award for it, but, still, its always fun to compare yourself to a movie star in height. Next on the list, Tom Cruise.
All in all the night was incredible. I'd never been to a premiere like this and, I'm not sure if I'll ever go to another one. Regardless of all the celebrities, it was incredible watching a movie like Dreamgirls with such an enthusiastic crowd. Its my personal belief that black people are more fun to watch movies with. Afro-Carribean American culture celebrates song and dance much more than white people. Additionally, they see entertainment as an interactive experience.
For instance, when I see a horror movie, I'll always go to this specific theater in Boston where there is a large black population. If the female lead in the movie walks into an obviously dangerous house, members of the audience will often yell, "Dumb bitch! Wa'tch you think'in girl. He's gonna murder yo' ass!"
And you know what, the audience is right! Now, if I'm going to sit and watch The Constant Gardener, I'll see it at a stuffy art-house theater. However, this was Dreamgirls, I wanted the audience participation. Four standing ovations later, and a nice buzz, we left the movie. What did I think of it? Well, see it for yourself is all I have to say. OUTSTANDING!
All in all, it was a good night. Popped pills with Paula, traded war stories with Doogie and McSteamy and got tipsy for free. Now, I think I'm ready for my close up Mr. Demille.

As always, your sister in Kwan,
Tyler

Fake Papers

2006-12-10T17:49:00.000-08:00

Two-years ago, a certain ex-boyfriend of mine, who shall remain nameless, needed a favor one day. We had spent the entire weekend doing, well, what boyfriends do. Sex? No, sillies. I'm a fun boyfriend. I don't have sex, I have fun! When you date me, you get to do a whole number of fun activities like drinking Carlo Rossi and playing Clue, or a rousing game of Hide-and-go-Twink, or better yet, baking dutch ovens in other people's beds!
Basically, this specific weekend was filled with the aforementioned activities. Unfortunately, none of his work was completed. He was a senior at Harvard at the time we dated. That said, he had a paper due the next morning, and being the nice boyfriend that I was, I was more than abliged to write his paper for him. If I remember correctly, the paper had to be an interview with a Sci-Fi fan. Seeing as no such interviews had taken place that weekend, I had to make one up. We were still buzzing from the Carlo Rossi we drank earlier, so I figured it would be fun. No shitting you, this is what I came up with. I wrote it in literally 25 minutes. How do I know this? Because my lazy-ass ex was in bed watching an episode of Will & Grace. Typical. But, enjoy the bullshitting that goes on in the mock-paper.
Disclaimer: He didn't actually turn in the paper. why? The professor would have known he didn't write it. He doesn't know the big words often used throughout the paper. Hazaa! And, I will admit, after looking at this, I'm kind of impressed with myself. It took a lot of Carlo Rossi induced creativity to come up with this fake paper. Maybe I should write papers for smart rich kids for a living! And, without further adieu, here is the fake paper, titled appropriately enough: Citigazze!

Into this wild abyss,
The womb of nature and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless the almighty maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds,
Into this wild abyss the wary fiend
Stood on the brink of hell and looked a while
Pondering his voyage…
-John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book II

“For me, His Dark Materials represented a spiritual awakening. A chance to delve deeper into taboo subject matter. Pullman’s writing, on some level, asked the questions I was always too afraid to ask.” he said to me with a quiet ease.

Seth has always considered himself to be a level-headed thinker. Growing up near Cleveland in a suburb called Shaker Heights, his interest in science fiction started at a young age.

“To be honest, my earliest memories of science fiction, or fantasy began with images of a talking lion named Aslan, a white witch and a magical wardrobe.” Seth noted, reminiscing contemplatively.
“It was never a question of whether or not it was weird or outrageous or not cool. For me, it was always just a part of me. I liked to look up at the sky and think about the possibilities. Aliens? God? Angels? Any child naturally asks whether or not these things really exist. On a philosophical level, I always had a hard time buying into institutionalized religion; this concept of an all-powerful super-entity, when aliens were seen as ridiculous or implausible.”

“My foray into science fiction really spoke of a deeper need of mine to explore the dimensions of reality, religion and philosophy. Yet, this deeper need to learn, think, or even question was in direct conflict with my parents religious beliefs, thereby stifling any actual study into the subject matter. That’s how I fell into the Chronicles [of Narnia]. Lewis’ s ability to confront both the natural imagination of a child while also dissecting the many intricacies of religious thought attracted me to him as a writer. Its funny that in my attempt to escape dogmatic propaganda, I would ultimately find myself reading one of organized religions’ biggest proponents.

The Lewis Seth is referring to is of course the famed Oxford professor Clive Staples Lewis. He is best known for his many works defending the existence of God through logical reasoning.

“Lewis, for me was a man for whom the world was an unending canvas. He opened my eyes to the fact that reality, though complex and theoretical, is still a place where the mind doesn’t necessarily have to strung together logic in a neat row, nor is it a concept that will ever be wholeheartedly understood. It is unfathomable, and in some odd way, I found comfort in this fact. It’s rather ironic that his attempt to prove the existence of God, I would instead find the motivation to question God. Yet, on some level, I think that was his ultimate goal.

At this point, I thought I was in for a religious fanatic illustrating, through C.S. Lewis books, that God, at least in the Judeo-Christian model, was real, and the savior of my sins. Interestingly enough, I realized that C.S. Lewis was nothing more than a light push into a philosophical firestorm of atheism and nihilism.

Seth claims that his journey into sci-fi began initially with Narnia and ultimately lead him to heaven, in a secular way of course.

Heaven, as I like to think of it, is more of a human construction, institutional foundation for after-life activities. The way [Phillip] Pullman draws together the whole conceptualization of an afterlife in terms of an actual destination, physical in sense that we can activity journey there and leave at will, blowing away any previous sense of heaven as a theoretical concept, but as a location.

This heaven, Seth speaks of is in reference to the Phillip Pullman Trilogy …

Headline News

2006-12-07T18:10:00.000-08:00

So, I'm not necessarily into the whole celebrity worship thing that's going on today in society. However, that doesn't mean I can't actively appreciate the madness of it. On Yahoo! news, the headline below read:

Reichen and Lance Bass reportedly split

The Hyperlink lead to the article below. Now, read this headline, and the subsequent article. The whole time remind yourself that we are fighting two wars, the economy is slipping into recession and this is considered "BREAKING NEWS". Hey Alanis, now this is what you call irony.

NEW YORK - Lance Bass and his boyfriend, Reichen Lehmkuhl, have called it quits, People magazine reported on its Web site Monday.
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Bass, who was part of the boy band 'N Sync, revealed earlier this year that he is gay and was in a relationship with Lehmkuhl, a former Air Force captain and winner of season four of CBS' "Amazing Race."

The 27-year-old singer told People in July that he didn't disclose his sexuality earlier because he didn't want to affect 'N Sync's popularity.

"The thing is, I'm not ashamed — that's the one thing I want to say," Bass told the magazine. "I don't think it's wrong, I'm not devastated going through this. I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life."

The AP was attempting Monday to locate representatives for Bass and Lehmkuhl. Bass had been represented by publicist Ken Sunshine when he made his announcement in July that he is gay, but a representative of the firm said it no longer represents the singer.

'N Sync, known for a string of hits including "Bye Bye Bye" and "It's Gonna Be Me," went on hiatus in 2002. Bass has also made headlines for undertaking astronaut training and failing to raise money for a trip into space.

Lehmkuhl, 32, has said he admired Bass' decision to disclose his sexuality. Lehmkuhl has a new book, "Here's What We'll Say," which recounts his time keeping his sexual orientation a secret from Air Force colleagues.

The Homeless Club

2006-12-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

As we all know, I love to sit at Starbucks and be a Hipster. Sit on my Powerbook and type away. What I'm actually typing is unimportant, remember, this is LA. Image is everything, right? Obviously not kids. That's the lesson of today!
Sarcasm aside, I really was sitting in Starbucks, sipping a Chai Latte and watching something quite extraordinary. Now, since I've been in LA I've become accustomed to groups of actors sitting around drinking coffee, talking about potential scripts, holding each other's egos above water. And that's fine. Entertaining usually, watching the big personalities compete for who is the biggest out-of-work actor at the table.
Not in Santa Monica. Things swing a bit different here. I came here today to run some errands, check out the beach, and enjoy a different part of LA. While in Starbucks, sipping away, typing away, I noticed something strange. These seemingly homeless people all sitting around. I immediately thought to myself, "tyler, they aren't homeless. How else would they afford their starbucks! I can barely afford starbucks everyday, let alone homeless people."
(and though I'm being hyperbolic, I can afford starbucks, I have to insert qualifiers like this as my mom doesn't believe my stories in the blogs)
In any event, as I sat their typing work up, I noticed that there were actually a ton of homeless people all around the coffee shop congregating as if they were getting ready for a big meeting. These weren't the homeless people that simply stare off into space, or mutter inaudible words. No, these were articulate, passionate homeless people. Sitting in the large leather chairs provided by Starbucks, these homeless people sat and strategized about which corners were best for pandhandling while others bemoaned the fact that the guy from "Wings" is a cheap bastard because he wouldn't give him any change.

"I need 10 more bucks. I won't be able to get my whore for the week!" said the one homeless guy who had a rattail hair-do and a dirty yellow wife-beater on

Yes, that is exactly what he said. Which bothers me on a number of levels, mainly this: Don't whores have standards? Are real-life whores that hard up for cash that they'll even sleep with homeless men? I wasn't able to enjoy the rest of my latte as the picture of some meth'ed-out whore bouncing on top of the aforementioned homeless man ran repeatedly through my head. Eww.

Also of interest is the fact that these ostensibly insane homeless people are well organized too! They pool their money together and divide it amongst themselves, then buy whores apparently. I wonder what other assorted items these kids spend their money on. And, if I really think about it, if I didn't have to pay rent, I wonder what ostentatious items I might buy. Certainly not a whore, especially after what I learned about today. No, I'd probably buy a balance beam for the backyard, or better yet, machine powered stilts.

As I was packing up to leave my comfortable hipster environment the silent homeless man started to talk. Though, he didn't talk like a normal person. Absolutely not, he spoke like a muppet. Remember Beaker? His mouth opened near the top muttering words that no matter what, sounded like the word, "Nicorete". Immediately I asked myself, what does this guys "O" face look like when he's going down with the first guy's whore.

Then I realize there are probably more important questions I could be asking, and I get the hell out of this haven for homeless hijinks. When I tell people Hollywood isn't that bad, I'm starting to believe myself; as bad as things get there, at least homeless people aren't plotting to take over the world!

Used Material

2006-12-04T16:16:00.000-08:00

No, literally, this is used material. But, I'm trying to post some of the better blogs from my old myspace, this being one of them....

{insert wayne's world hand-wobbly thing]

When you do a show like the real world, often times, you're subject to random questionaires from Bunim/Murray or MTV. When we were doing The Duel, we were sent this one so that production would know a little about us castmembers. This is an example of one of the questionaires. Usually cast members will respond to the question below with answers like:

"talk at colleges, bar gigs"
or
"ROCKIN LIFE!"
or even better yet
"acting"

This is what I wrote

What have you been up to since the show? (School, work, any fun
accomplishments, charity work, etc..)

God, questions like these make me feel like I'm back in
Minnesota for Christmas and I'm at a dinner party where no one wants
to admit that I'm gay in public. "So, Tyler, what have you been up to
all these years on the East Coast. Any girlfriends yet?"
I'm always confounded by comments like these. Is the limp wrist, in
which i'm holding my martini, not indication enough of my raging
homosexuality?
In an effort to avoid the inherent shame insinuated by such
questions, illustrating my complete lack of upward movement in my life
since we wrapped in Dec. I'll say, for the record, of course, that
I've accomplished a number of things, including, but not limited to:
Picking up an addiction to pain killers, similar to that of Judy
Garland's
Slept with no less than three self-identified "heterosexual men"
Had one of the models from the ill-concieved show, 8th & Ocean, steal
my Ipod
Perpetuated the common belief among viewers of my season that I would
gladly sell Svetlana into serfdom at a Stalin-era gulag if given the
chance
And last, but not least, written a brilliantly sarcastic show to pitch
to the gay mafia, with the hopes of becoming an Icon in the gay
community

Gymgasm!

2006-12-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

So, many of must wonder what Reality-TV stars like myself do all day long. Seeing as we aren't stuck in an office all day, we have the freedom to accomplish so much during the day. I usually hesitate using the word "we" as that would indicate I actually have something in common with other people who have appeared on realty tv shows. Semantics aside, lately I've been getting ready for our big pitch for our Olympic show. Additionally, I WAS gearing up for a gig as a contributing author for a book. But, sarcasm aside, what do we actually fill our day with. I know a couple Real Worlders who hit the gym a lot, while a number of others who spend the better part of their day nursing their hangover from the night before. Additionally, there are a few others who nap. And when I say nap, I mean NAP! At least a two-hour slog each and everyday. And, I shouldn't judge, as I get testy if I can't take my nap. That isn't to suggest that I actually take one everyday, rather I need the option of napping.
Well, to give you a clue as to what I'm up to during the sunlit hours, you needed look to far. In fact, I spend many fruitful hours on Youtube, doing what I consider "research".

"Researching what now?" you ask!

Well, gymnastics of course. That is to say that despite all the MTV bullshit that I've done in the past year, on some level, I still live in this delusional world where NBC might still hire me down the road as a researcher for their sports department. However, you can't just get hired to do research. You have to know the sport. Or, at least that is what I told myself in college when I had the proverbial "what am I going to do with my life" freakout session. It was at that point where I realized I needed a trade. While all my friends had taken a slew of Econ courses, or bio/pre-med courses, I was wandering through the fields of thought concerning gender perceptions in, what I now affectionately refer to as, Touchy-Feely classes. These are the classes where minorities all sit around talking about our feelings about being minorities. We use big, academic words to describe and dissect, in quite colorful detail, concepts that are so elementary and well-known its ridiculous. Take for instance my first semester, senior year. I took at class called "Constructions of whiteness" where we literally de-constructed the notion of a white heirarchy in American politics and history, instead choosing to witness the "American Experience" through the eyes of a non-eurocentric perspective on the formation of institutions of utility in America.
Tell me, how the HELL is a class like that going to help me get a job? But, whatever, I can say I wrote a 30-page treatise bullshiting on the corollation between the identity formation of afro-carribean women and white, gay men. Its actually quite interesting, knowing that it conception was mainly due to a 24 pack of Diet Dr. Pepper. Basically enough caffeine to power a small city in Belgium.
So, considering all of this, I convinced myself that my "trade" would be Olympic Sport Trivia. So, during my second semester of senior year I decided to dedicate my freetime to the art of Olympic Fact Gathering. I can now tell you any and everything about the two gayest sports out there, Gymnastics and Figure Skating. This is done through countless hours of blogging at GGMB. My favorite place to find all the hottest gossip about my two favorite sports.
However, while researching this morning, I came across this video of the Great Shaposhinova. Known today for a transition she invented on the Uneven Bars, she was a Gold Medalist or "Zolotoye Myedalistye" at the Moscow games in 1980. If you get a chance, check out this link on youtube. Then you can see what I do all day. Research!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3Ad1VYY28s

Basically this bitch is the baddest bitch in town, this side of 'crenshaw. Check out that "one armed planche". Probably the coolest move on beam, EVER!

Your sister in Kwan,
Ty